Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Just Some Thoughts

I’ve had so many thoughts running through my mind that past couple of weeks. I’ve finally decided to get them off my chest. Just a warning…it’s a little long! Our blog is mostly a picture storybook. It’s not like me to post a lot of my inner thoughts but these have been nagging me for weeks…it’s time to get them out! Here it goes.

The one downside to blogging, I think, is not being able to respond instantly to comments. I always wish I could start up instant conversations after giving and receiving comments. I seem to get a lot of comments that go something like this. “You seem to have things under control…great job!” Or, “You make having twins look so easy.” Gosh, thanks! I appreciate the positive words and encouragement. This is the problem, I am rarely feeling like I have everything under control or that I’ve got a handle on everything. I often feel the exact opposite...feeling overwhelmed, stressed and completely exhausted. I always try to capture the happy, fun times with the camera and I rarely post when I’m not in a good mood. So, sure…it would appear that we have entered the parenting world and are passing with flying colors. I wish it were true. I hate feeling like there is a “right” way of parenting. I find myself questioning everything I do as a mother multiple times a day, worried that my kids won’t turn out right due to my choices. For example, the other day Cade & Carson decided they both wanted to have a hard day (I swear they are SO in sync with each other). So, we start our day and they both decide they don’t want to nap. I end up with two crying babies both needing me to console them. How am I supposed to do that? I end up calling Shane…”What do I do?” He’s thinking the same thing as me, “Sorry, but I really don’t know.” I take one at a time and calm them down, but by this time they are both screaming and have been for quite some time. Its heart breaking and it happens more than I would like. Or how about when I’m nursing one and the other needs my attention as well. I wish sometimes that I could give them both my complete, undivided attention but it rarely happens. I wish that I could hold and comfort my baby every time he needs it but that doesn’t always happen either. I end up worrying about the ways my boys could be affected by all of this. In reality, I know that they get the love they need and that I don’t need to worry. I just can’t help it sometimes. My mom can attest to my endless worries. I call her so frequently with worries, questions or when I need to get my frustrations out. I often get off the phone and realize that I didn’t even ask her how she is doing (sorry Mom) but I get all consumed by my role as a mother. I’m sure many of you can relate.

So, here’s what I’ve decided. Motherhood was not meant to be easy. It is not the same for everyone and there is no “right” way of doing it. I know that it has been the most challenging thing for me thus far in my life and I’m thinking that there isn’t going to be anything to top it! Despite the hard days and challenges, it is truly the best thing in the whole world and there isn’t anything I would rather be. This journey of motherhood is refining. It brings us an increased capacity to love. It makes us want to be better. It helps us to become more selfless and humble. It gives us a greater appreciation for other people and especially for our own parents. It brings challenges we thought we wouldn’t be able to rise above. I believe that we are blessed to handle what we are given but that doesn’t mean that it won’t be difficult. It requires work and effort on our part. We MUST rise to the occasion and give it everything we have. We will hopefully find that our limits and capacities reach far beyond what we once thought. In the end, motherhood brings us to be more like Christ. I have to remember that even though I have bad days and feel, at times, that I am not able to meet my daily challenges, that I am going through a refining process. If I put my trust in Him, He will help me care for my twins. I CAN do this, but only with His help and the help from others…mostly from my wonderful husband!!!

I just feel grateful to be a Mom. What a blessing in my life. It’s hard…dang hard, but I know that the blessings and good times will far out-weigh the challenges and frustrations. I take it one day at a time. In fact, I just barely mastered the art of nursing both babies at the same time. It only took me 4 MONTHS, but I did it! What a rewarding experience. If I do everything I possibly can to be a good mother, I know that I will be able to rise to the occasion and meet the challenges that are ahead. Am I doing it gracefully? Hardly! One day at a time…that’s my plan.

So, to cap off my thoughts, here are a few pictures of my sweet boys. This is us during our “happy” and “under control” moments, of course! Enjoy!


Danielle Prince (Mingo) said...

I will probably never be able to understand what you go through on a daily basis, but I can speak to managing 20 six-year olds at once. I have many of those same thoughts on a daily basis about my teaching, and what I am and am not doing "right." All you can do is your best, and by the smiles on those boys you are. You and your husband are doing an amazing job. Just always remember what a blessing they are to you. "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it" (don't know who by)

Emery and Megan said...

You are doing an amazing job with these twins! I think every mom has those same thoughts roll through their minds daily. Motherhood is definitely way harder than I thought it would be, but it is so rewarding. Your little boys are going to be best buddies on day and that will be awesome!

As to any advice on Carson's scratching, he will grow out of it, if he will leave socks on his hands that's great.

Your boys have the best momma in the world. You spent 10 weeks in the hospital just so they could stay safe and healthy. That is shows how loving their mom is to them. Plus they are so adorable and sweet. I think I need to come hold them when I am in Boise next time. Call me if you ever need someone to talk to.:)


Mann Land said...

Oh Amy! I can't even imagine what it must be like to be a new little mama with TWO babies to look after! You're always doing much better than you think you are. It's the folly of the woman. All you can do is your best and it looks like that is exactly what you are doing! Your little boys are so lucky to have such an amazing mama! Your love and your testimony will do more for them than anything else. I wanna be like you when I grow up:)

smash said...

I remember watching my sister go through that with her twin boys. You are doing wonderfully from what I can tell, and quite frankly I'd be more worried if your boys weren't asking for your attention and weren't a little fussy, they're babies! Keep it up, you guys are doing great!

melinda! said...

I read this and thought "I need to print this out and tape it to my mirror." Give yourself more credit Amy. You may not have it under control all the time (love that...what Mom does?), but you do have it figured out. Being a Mom is tough, but AWESOME! My babies may not come 2 at a time, but all that you wrote resinates with me. You CAN do can I.

Nan & Aaron said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You so perfectly put into words what I have thought so many times. Motherhood is an incredible blessing and there is no other experience that can mimic the feelings, frustrations and absolute joy. We're blessed to be mommmies and we just need to remember that on the hard days. And I've learned that those hard days always end and better ones are around the corner. Last week I was ready to tear my hair out dealing with Dillon pooping in his undies, disobeying, not napping, etc. This week he has suddenly decided to be completely potty trained and has been really sweet. That's just kind of how the whole thing works. I love you dearly and need to call and chat soon!!

Jaran and Claire said...

I loved your thoughts Amy! I think it is good to see the "human" side of each other once in a while. Sometimes I don't like blogging because you see everyone's happy side and hear of all the fun things people do and it makes you feel like "I am not like that." But it's good to realize that everyone has good and bad days. I think the hardest part of becoming a mother of 2 (granted they were one at a time though, you still have me up on that one :)) is just dividing my time and love equally. I never thought that would be the challenge I would face before I had 2, but it is. But prayer gets you through, as I am sure you know too. Call me anytime! Love ya!

Jaran and Claire said...

Oh, and that's so awesome you can nurse them both at the same time!! Wow! SEriously, I'm impressed and proud you are doing it. I'm totally a breastfeeding advocate. It took me 2 months to get it down with Adelynn, so 4 months for 2 totally makes sense! Good job!

Jessica said...

Hey, I don't know if you remember me, I'm Dixie's friend, from Burley. We've met a couple times.
I just wanted to tell you I love reading your blog, I gush every time I see your boys!
When I first moved out to Richmond I was a (very) full time nanny for twin two year olds who are now 7, and I still babysit for them ('bout once a month since I'm in school). I'm not a mom, and don't pretend to know how people should raise their kids...
However, I would like to say something.
I have seen some frazzle dazzled moms who can't cook, and are quirky and imperfect, but the kids are adjusted, hilarious, sweet, normal. and I've seen some mom's who are perfectionists and seem to have it all together, but their kids are anal retentive and OCD at 3 years old... haha, true story.
(I'm not judging...
b/c it happens vice versa too...)
Your kids are not extensions of you. They already have their own personalities and will.
I hope this doesn't sound trite, but truly, you can't screw it up, girl. I know who you are, and you're awesome. You have your priorities in order and that's half the battle. Just relax, don't sweat the small stuff. Perfection is boring, and kids are resilient.

jonathan, bree said...

All I can say is I love when people say what everyone else is thinking but wont say... I called my mom crying once after looking at everyones blogs and found my self saying "Mom how come when I look at everyones blog their life looks so perfect, put together and easy?" She gave me your exact comment becuase nobody post's the bad things, I mean who takes a picture when they are about to break down for whatever reason. All the pictures are of cute funny things, the things you appreciate in life. And the things you want to remember. So no worries I might not have twins but I feel the same way all the time. (just not double) Super cute boys!

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Jason, Amanda & Brayden said...

You crazy girl!! I think most of us had a hard enough time with we are all still in awe that you are doing two, and doing two so darn well! You have always been such a good example and role model to me.
And gosh, you sure do look amazing already!! I am so glad I got to see ya last weekend. Let me know if you are ever in town!!
Love ya!

The McGary's said...

Amy you are so cute. I feel that way plenty of times and mine aren't the same age:) Nobody is perfect and everybody has bad days. Your boys are so sweet. I am positive that you will give those boys more than many kids could only dream of having. Hang in there and enjoy them, before you know it they will be running around destroying your house:)

chelzers said...

Ditto to everything you said. It's hard to not feel guilty about not giving them equal attention and stuff like that. One thing I always tell myself when I start to question my bad mothering skills is "I did what I could." You can't live in "could've, would've should've-s" I spend far too much time there. We just do what we can and rely on HIM to get us through and everything will be just fine! It's a constant learning process for me, too. You are doing awesome! It's always good to get your feelings out. Take care!

Lara said...

Amen to all the other comments. Everyone just has to do their best... you just amaze me that your best with 2 is better than my best with 1.

:) Love.