Just Some Thoughts

I’ve had so many thoughts running through my mind that past couple of weeks. I’ve finally decided to get them off my chest. Just a warning…it’s a little long! Our blog is mostly a picture storybook. It’s not like me to post a lot of my inner thoughts but these have been nagging me for weeks…it’s time to get them out! Here it goes.

The one downside to blogging, I think, is not being able to respond instantly to comments. I always wish I could start up instant conversations after giving and receiving comments. I seem to get a lot of comments that go something like this. “You seem to have things under control…great job!” Or, “You make having twins look so easy.” Gosh, thanks! I appreciate the positive words and encouragement. This is the problem, I am rarely feeling like I have everything under control or that I’ve got a handle on everything. I often feel the exact opposite...feeling overwhelmed, stressed and completely exhausted. I always try to capture the happy, fun times with the camera and I rarely post when I’m not in a good mood. So, sure…it would appear that we have entered the parenting world and are passing with flying colors. I wish it were true. I hate feeling like there is a “right” way of parenting. I find myself questioning everything I do as a mother multiple times a day, worried that my kids won’t turn out right due to my choices. For example, the other day Cade & Carson decided they both wanted to have a hard day (I swear they are SO in sync with each other). So, we start our day and they both decide they don’t want to nap. I end up with two crying babies both needing me to console them. How am I supposed to do that? I end up calling Shane…”What do I do?” He’s thinking the same thing as me, “Sorry, but I really don’t know.” I take one at a time and calm them down, but by this time they are both screaming and have been for quite some time. Its heart breaking and it happens more than I would like. Or how about when I’m nursing one and the other needs my attention as well. I wish sometimes that I could give them both my complete, undivided attention but it rarely happens. I wish that I could hold and comfort my baby every time he needs it but that doesn’t always happen either. I end up worrying about the ways my boys could be affected by all of this. In reality, I know that they get the love they need and that I don’t need to worry. I just can’t help it sometimes. My mom can attest to my endless worries. I call her so frequently with worries, questions or when I need to get my frustrations out. I often get off the phone and realize that I didn’t even ask her how she is doing (sorry Mom) but I get all consumed by my role as a mother. I’m sure many of you can relate.

So, here’s what I’ve decided. Motherhood was not meant to be easy. It is not the same for everyone and there is no “right” way of doing it. I know that it has been the most challenging thing for me thus far in my life and I’m thinking that there isn’t going to be anything to top it! Despite the hard days and challenges, it is truly the best thing in the whole world and there isn’t anything I would rather be. This journey of motherhood is refining. It brings us an increased capacity to love. It makes us want to be better. It helps us to become more selfless and humble. It gives us a greater appreciation for other people and especially for our own parents. It brings challenges we thought we wouldn’t be able to rise above. I believe that we are blessed to handle what we are given but that doesn’t mean that it won’t be difficult. It requires work and effort on our part. We MUST rise to the occasion and give it everything we have. We will hopefully find that our limits and capacities reach far beyond what we once thought. In the end, motherhood brings us to be more like Christ. I have to remember that even though I have bad days and feel, at times, that I am not able to meet my daily challenges, that I am going through a refining process. If I put my trust in Him, He will help me care for my twins. I CAN do this, but only with His help and the help from others…mostly from my wonderful husband!!!

I just feel grateful to be a Mom. What a blessing in my life. It’s hard…dang hard, but I know that the blessings and good times will far out-weigh the challenges and frustrations. I take it one day at a time. In fact, I just barely mastered the art of nursing both babies at the same time. It only took me 4 MONTHS, but I did it! What a rewarding experience. If I do everything I possibly can to be a good mother, I know that I will be able to rise to the occasion and meet the challenges that are ahead. Am I doing it gracefully? Hardly! One day at a time…that’s my plan.

So, to cap off my thoughts, here are a few pictures of my sweet boys. This is us during our “happy” and “under control” moments, of course! Enjoy!