What's In a Name?

So we began our hopeful preparations.  It was hard to know how to prepare.  You see, we were cautiously excited and were hopeful of a new addition, but we were not blind to the reality that our situation could change at any moment.  We had the fear of heartbreak lurking in the back of our minds.  It was hard to know how to move forward.  We wanted to throw a party and celebrate til the cows came home, but we refrained.  We knew there was still a very real chance that this beloved baby would not be ours.  It is clear to me that fear and faith are complete opposites.  One cannot have faith while focused on fear and vise verse.  We made the choice to just have faith.  Not faith that she would be ours, but faith in the Lord's will...for us, for this innocent baby, and for the birth parents.  It would all work out, even if that meant no baby for our family.  Even in hard stressful times, we can find joy in the journey, and we did.

We decided to tell the boys the news.  They needed time to prepare and time to ask questions.  We knew that it would be confusing to them if it all fell through and that we were taking somewhat of a risk in telling them, but we wanted to move forward with faith.  That included telling our family and close friends and doing our best to prepare what we could.  We would deal with any change in the future as it came.

To see our boys anticipate the arrival of their baby sister was incredibly sweet.  They have been asking and asking for this, and have watched friend after friend bring babies into their homes.  Carson was mostly excited that there would be a chance for us to have also have a van added to our family!  And Cade's first comment was..."well Mom I'm just NOT going to change her poopy diaper!"  They told everyone they knew...our mail carrier, their teachers, neighbors, Fred Meyer Playland workers, bank teller, and the check out lady at TJ Maxx.  Everyone!  They are funny boys.  We had lots of family discussions on the meaning of adoption and the changes that would be coming for our family.  They started including baby girl in their prayers, without any prompting from us.  It's like they knew and understood as they told their Heavenly Father that they would "love her forever."  Carson and Cade are such blessings.  In the beginning, I really felt that because we already had our boys that our chances of placement dramatically decreased.  And maybe that's still true.  But how interesting that our Birth Mother was drawn to these two specific boys, in a very real way.  She grew up with 2 older brothers, so that spoke to her and brought her comfort.  She fell in love with Cade and Carson and felt so happy knowing they would be her baby girl's big brothers.  Makes me think back to Shane's comments about just being you and being our own unique and genuine family unit.  If He was willing, Heavenly Father would provide an opportunity meant only for us.

For that last 2 years or so, we have loved the name Molly.  Specifically Molly Jo.  If we were to have a girl, she would be our Molly.  So naturally as those first emails were coming in, we thought...could this be our Molly Jo after all?  That's who she was in our minds.  Once we were officially chosen, we started calling her Molly, even though we knew it could change...maybe?  Our Birth Mother had indicated earlier that she was very attached to her baby and had even given her a name, but understood that the family would most likely change it.  I didn't ask any further about the name.  I wasn't quite sure yet how we would handle that.  Do we decide together?  Do we just decide and hope she likes it?  What if she HATES it?  When do we tell her?  All these questions I didn't have answers to.  So I just kind of left it there for the time being.

Our Birth Mom called us on a Wednesday morning to tell us the good news of her choice.  Two days later on that Friday, I told Shane that another name had randomly popped into my mind.  That all of a sudden I was really feeling like maybe her name was Lily?  I had never previously considered the name.  He said, "I thought we were pretty much set on Molly?"  I told him I still loved the name Molly but that I just wanted us to think about Lily.  That night I couldn't sleep much and I thought and thought on this name.  By Saturday morning, I was pretty well set on Lily and Shane was too.  I told my mom and sister that afternoon.  It was a quick change but I felt very certain.  Now I just needed to know how to tell our birth mom, with hope that she would approve.  Monday morning I received an email from her.  In it she asked if Shane and I had considered any names.  She said that she knew we would want to name her ourselves but that she had been calling her Lily...from the very beginning.  As I read the email and then read it over and over again, I about fell off my chair and tears rolled down my cheeks.  I immediately called Shane and then her to tell her the name we had felt and decided on.  She was Lily.  Our Lily.  What a beautiful tender mercy that was, for everyone involved.  It was a moment when everyone's hearts were sent peace and comfort.  Our sweet Birth Mother needed that comfort.  So very much.  It was such a special spiritual experience for me and something I will always hold dear to my heart.  The Lord was very aware of us.  That much was very evident.  We may not always see the direction we are going, but as we take steps into the dark, He gives us little bits of light.  And we hold onto that light and keep moving forward with faith.