Baby is Coming!

Our baby girl was born in California.  As the due date drew closer, we made arrangements for our boys while we would be away.  We were planning on about a week in CA, maybe more.  It all depended on how quickly Idaho would approve of the paperwork and clear us to take the baby out of state.

A birth plan was put into place.  After meeting with a case worker, Lily's Birth Mom was able to put a more concrete plan into place as to how she wanted things to go while in the hospital and the days following placement.  During the hospital time following delivery, she had a strong desire to have her baby with her at all times.  This was her one day with Lily and she wanted that time and space to be hers.  It would be easy to worry that more time with the baby would only decrease her chances of placing, but we knew she needed that time and space and didn't want to feel rushed.  We would be able to visit her and the baby in the hospital only after she and the birth father had time alone with the baby and also time for her family to see the baby and have closure.  We let her know that we loved her and wanted to do our best to support her through this...any way that we could.  We felt that the way we could show our love was to honor her wishes and supporting her birth plan.

Lily was due on March 28th.  Our birth mom kept us updated on all of the doctor visits and progress that was being made.  She sent me ultrasound pictures and was wonderful at helping me to feel included in those last few weeks of pregnancy.  I asked her to send me some pictures of herself while she was still carrying Lily so that I would have them for Lily's baby book.  She loved the idea and sent me the most beautiful pictures.  She is so naturally gorgeous and has the best smile.  I was so filled with love for this woman.  I thought about her day in and day out.  Still do.  My heart felt heavy for her as the days leading up to delivery shortened.  I knew she was struggling and very emotional.  As I prayed for her I couldn't help but to cry.  The pain and loss on her end was so very real to me.  That's why adoption is such a miracle.  From unimaginable pain and heartache comes indescribable joy and happiness.  I felt like I was feeling both ends of emotion all at the same time.  I was so excited and happy but I was not ready to watch this woman who I loved dearly experience such grief and pain.  So when we got the call that she was in the hospital and that the baby was coming, a flood of emotions hit me like a giant wave.  Was this really going to happen?  I wasn't sure I was ready. 

We took the boys to our family in Twin Falls, gave everyone tear-filled hugs good-bye, and started driving.  It was Friday, March 29th.  Our drive was pleasant.  To have that time for just Shane and me was so good.  We were calm as the hours passed.  We didn't hear any update on the baby for the rest of the day.

Saturday was spent relaxing and catching up on lost sleep from our late night drive.  We finally got a call from the case worker late morning that the baby had been born Friday night after a very rough delivery.  She entered the world at 10:12pm.  She was healthy and they were both recovering.  That's all we knew.  We didn't push for more information and didn't set ourselves up for a visit that day.  Case worker called us later Saturday night after a brief visit at the hospital.  She said that our birth mom seemed in good spirits, her family was there visiting that evening, and that the baby was doing well.  We planned for a visit on Sunday morning.  Time of hospital discharge was still unknown.  In California, placement papers cannot be signed in the hospital, so we planned on meeting at the agency office directly after hospital discharge where placement would then take place.

Sunday morning came.  It was Easter Sunday.  We read scriptures and prayed and prepared to meet Lily and her birth parents at the hospital.  So much anxiety and anticipation!!  What would it be like?  What would we say to them?  How would we feel when we saw Lily?  After so much time waiting, the time had finally come.

While driving to the hospital, only minutes away, we got a call from the case worker.  She told us that our birth mother was having second thoughts and didn't feel she could place.